The Fierce Kindness principle: How HR should manage difficult workplace relationships

In the world of work, where toughness can be prized over empathy, could the real key to unlocking workplace potential be a radical approach to combining the benefits of both?

Welcome to my paradoxical principle of ‘Fierce Kindness’, a term that I’ve developed to highlight the point where compassion meets courage in the HR leader’s toolkit.

HR’s role in managing difficult workplace relationships

When it comes to managing situations when relationships aren’t going well, HR leaders need to be a lot of things to a lot of people.

Strategic, in that they’re instrumental in guiding the overall culture, framing how relationships should be working.

Tactical, in that they’ll want to be out in front of any breakdowns in relationships that have a wider negative impact.

And operational, in that they’ll want strong enough relationships with colleagues for HR to be the first port of call when a specific relationship shows signs of strain.

This all requires a big kitbag of flexible approaches.

Ranging, for example, from formal procedures for when behavior crosses the line of what’s acceptable, to developmental approaches that help people learn and grow out of patterns of difficult relationships.

One tool in the kitbag is the principle of ‘Fierce Kindness’ which underpins my own approach to coaching around managing difficult people at work.

Fierce Kindness is a dynamic balance of two seemingly opposite views.

Fierce

Fierce is about tackling difficult workplace relationships head-on. It has three key competencies:

• Self-Discipline – being able to know and manage ourselves in a way that role-models the standards of behavior we’d like to see in others;
• Assertive Communication – being able to clearly and respectfully state our thoughts, feelings and needs;
• Boundary Setting – being able to establish, maintain and communicate limits that protect everybody’s well-being and productivity.

This can be quite demanding for HR leaders. It means they need to be upfront and assertive in calling out a senior leader who isn’t being respectful of others, for example.

Or that they need to actively flush out elements of a toxic departmental culture.

For example if there was a clash of values around work-life balance and efficiency.

And they also need to decide if it’s part of the developmental agenda, covering skills around assertive communication, or on establishing boundaries in the workplace.

Kindness

Kindness focuses on bringing understanding and empathy to difficult workplace relationships. Again, it has three important competencies:

• Listening properly – being able to set aside any barriers and giving full attention to understanding other people’s perspectives;
• Demonstrating Empathy – being able to acknowledge and validate other people’s feelings and experiences;
• Offering Support – being able to take a positive and encouraging approach, aiming to build collaboration and mutual problem-solving.

HR leaders are appropriately seen as the organizational guardians of this type of kindness at work.

And more and more I notice that the best HR leaders have moved beyond that guardianship and are actively embedding those competencies in the whole organization.

For example, there are initiatives to develop more psychological safety, where people feel supported to express possibly dissenting views. To be listened to without judgement as they do.

Or others, for example, have introduced training in a wider range of leadership styles, including featuring empathy as core strength.

How HR can balance being fierce and being kind

Neither of the two components – fierceness or kindness – is enough on their own when it comes to managing difficult workplace relationships.

Fierceness alone can lead to confrontational approaches. For example, tackling a relationship which has gone sour head-on, is not the same as the old-school approach of “knocking heads together”.

That may just lead to increased tension and more misunderstandings.

But kindness alone isn’t enough either. That way lies too much leniency.

An example I see a lot is where a key working relationship, particularly amongst senior people, has broken down and it would be a bitter pill to swallow for either party to have it drawn to their attention. So it gets left to fester. Sometimes boundaries can go unprotected out of too much kindness as well.

Micro-managing is a good example of this. It’s an overstep on the part of a nervous leader.

Because of that, people often over-tolerate it: “Oh, that’s just his way; he’s worried about things going wrong.” But micro-managing is significant reason why people leave an organization.

HR leaders need to create a balanced approach, bringing the two elements of fierce and kindness together to be both assertive and compassionate.

The blend is important for three fundamental reasons:

• Practicality – if we combine assertiveness and empathy, that gives clear permission to tackle a difficult relationship straight away and out in the open. But to do that in a way that considers all the feelings and both perspectives of the people involved. For example, an HR leader might themselves step in to mediate a conflict between two departmental heads who disagree on resource allocation. Emphasizing mutual respect and understanding while firmly guiding them towards a compromise that considers both departments’ needs.
• Cultural – when people know that it’s expected of them to hold difficult conversations without being afraid of retaliation or alienation, then it helps build a culture of trust and openness. For example, HR leaders might introduce a ‘no-blame’ culture initiative after a project failure. Here the focus can be on a fierce determination to learn everything possible from mistakes, and kindness in moving forward positively, rather than assigning blame.
• Collaboration – the underlying skills required to apply Fierce Kindness enable people to feel heard and be respected for their differences. And we know that this can lead to more effective and sustainable problem-solving across a whole range of issues. For example, HR leaders can champion the use of cross-functional teams to tackle a persistent issue, perhaps something like a project delay. Here the fierceness is about rolling-up the collective sleeves to tackle something difficult and the kindness ensures that each team member’s perspective is heard and valued. Get the balance right, and this will lead to innovative solutions that respect everyone’s expertise while fostering a collaborative environment.

Dancing Fierce Kindness as a dynamic

Leaders tell me it’s a kind of dance to bring Fierce Kindness together in practice.

One minute you’re in front and the next you’re following. It’s a moment-by-moment testing out: Is this the time to be fiercely protective of an important boundary in support of great working relationships?

Or is this the time to listen so we fully understand what’s going on when a relationship has turned difficult? And the rhythm can switch in a second.

Not all of the HR leaders I’ve supported have been naturally great dancers. But they all say they need to be constantly on their toes.

For me, Fierce Kindness is one of the key principles that makes it possible to manage a difficult relationship.

Work is such a huge part of everybody’s lives that we might as well get in the groove and try to make each of our working relationships – well, work.

HR leaders are ideally positioned to choreograph this. Then work can be a place where people come together at their best, to achieve things they couldn’t do on their own.